Christmas time! You know what that means don't you? You and everyone around you stinks! Don't worry, someone is on it.
Like so much snow, December means a flurry of perfume adverts. We are now in the midsts of the storm and witnessing that extraordinary moment that comes but once a year, that is, the moment when every single bloody perfume company tries 'to out-pretentious' and 'out-celebrity' one another. Here is the conversation that must occur in board rooms across the globe as they prepare to market their fragrance:
A: So, Christmas is in a few months time; what have we got?
B: Well sir, we have this fragrance - it smells like cats!
A: Cats?
B: Persian cats.
A: Ah.
B: Exotic!
A: Right! What's the name?
B: Bane.
A: Bane?
B: Like woflsbane sir - it makes people think it has a heritage - wolfsbane is old-timee.
A: But wolfsbane...bane...it smells like cats, I don't get it.
B: We could pronounce it differently...
A: How so?
B: We could say 'Ba' - the new fragance.
A: What is that, French?
B: It could be French. The important thing is that it's foreign.
A: Ah, of course. Spray some on me.
B: Here.
A: GARGH, IT SMELLS LIKE...CATS!
B: Yeah.
A: WELL - I MEAN - MY CAT DOESN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE THIS? HOW THE HELL CAN WE SELL THIS STUFF! URGH, IT'S BURNING A HOLE IN MY FACE.
B: Hmm. That could be a hard sell I guess.
A: HARD SELL, MY EYEBROW'S MISSING!!
B: Well look, I have an idea - how about in the build up to its realease we make people think that they'll die without this perfume?
A:...go on.
B: We don't spend much...quick shots, flashing lights.
A: Cheap, yes, I like it, go on...
B: We show er...images...like...balloons...and statues...
A: Think more glamorous...
B: Red carpets...cars...landscapes!
A: Now you're cooking.
B: We show all those things, really quickly, in black and white.
A: We'll blur a few of the shots as well.
B: Right, as long as no one knows what the hell is going on. Then we get a celebrity-
A: What!? A good one?
B: It's not really important.
A: Well who do we get?
B: We'll draw them from this hat.
A: Ah, ok.
B: Look, I got Ewan McGregor!
A: Primo!
B: And then we get them to say a little something about the perfume!
A: Problem.
B: What?
A: We can't really afford to pay them to say anything.
B: Well that's fine. Look, let's say it's...100 dollars a word...
A: Right...
B: We get them to say about three words, maybe four...
A: Woah now...
B: Ok, three words...good words though, long ones...
A: We want our moneys worth afterall.
B: Exactly; three long words, arty words...and then the name of the perfume.
A: Wolfsbane.
B: Ba.
A: Oh yes, right.
B: And hey presto, we have a hit fragrance this Christmas.
A: The money comes rolling in!
B: Exactly.
A: Just one thing...
B: What is it?
A: Well what if another company does this? I've heard rummblings of a very effective marketing campaign building up over at Pacco.
B: Huh! You mean like this bad boy? I don't think so. Relax baby-bel! Soon as people see our ad they'll feel like they're in touch with something...they'll see it and go...'yeah - that meant something to me'.
A: What?
B: Well it doesn't matter what, it doesn't mean anything; it's just supposed to make them feel like they can only be important if they buy the fragrance.
A: So what we're saying is..."Buy this fragrance..."
B: Buy this fragrance, otherwise you're a soulless monster with no ability to recognise art...
A: Plus, if you don't buy it...
B: Then you're also not a celebrity.
A: Bingo.
B: Those sweet simolians are ours - now all we need is a bottle shaped like something you can't practically store.
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Aaaaand it goes on like this. My point being, every advert for perfume at this time of year is exactly the same. Short bursts of pictures and sounds that give you the consumer the impression that it's so much more! That if you can cough up the cash, if you can buy this fragrance then you too can have all of this great stuff laid before you! BUY IT, BECAUSE THEY HAVE BOTTLED UP PERSONALITY AND CHARISMA ALL FOR YOU TO SUCK DOWN YOUR GOB-HOLE. ITS MAGIC, THIS IS LIQUID SEX, THIS IS LIQUID SUCCESS, YOU HAVE TO BUY IT.
Afterall, at a billion pounds a pop, it doesn't seem as flash if you don't do all that crap does it, right?
Show them you care this Christmas; buy them "Smell-In-A-Jar", the new musk from Mr. Muscle.
p.s. sorry about the dialogue, I got carried away as usual.
