The National Movie Awards 2010!
After the BAFTAS, The European Film Awards, The Cannes International Film Prize, The Golden Globe Awards, The Sundance Film Prize, The Oscars and of course, The Kids Choice Awards, NO trophy event is more anticipated than ITVs National Movie Awards! Pinch yourself, because it's FINALLY here, the most important and anticpated event of the entire summer! What do you mean World Cup? Never heard of it. Is it a kind of fish?
If the National Movie Awards sound like someone made them up, there is actually a very good reason for that. It's because, apparrently, someone made them up. ITV, who nowadays seem to quiz their brain-dead audience on most everything they broadcast, (TEXT NOW IF YOU HAVE AN IQ GREATER THAN THE NUMBERS ON YOUR PHONE) have managed to get behind a film award ceremony that takes into account the precious public opinion; boy, do I feel important? I feel like one of them film critics darlin'.
One would have had to have ventured onto the ITV website in order to vote for the awards months ago - that means that the people making these decisions are the kind of people who browse the internet long enough to make it onto the ITV website without looking at pornography or youtube. What kind of cold husk of a human being could do that? Why does ITV so highly value public opinion (I mean, apart from all the money they get from the text messaging and phone calls, obviously). But honestly, is ITV run by an indecisive neurotic? And no, I haven't found work yet. Is their head of programming sitting in a leather chair everyday sweating excessively over what to so put on television, who to send through to the next round, who to give a precious MOVIE AWARD to?
-"Mr.ITV we need a decision; do we send through this troop of break-dancers or do we send through this singing dog"
-"Er, er, deserves it most?"
-"They both have sob stories sir"
-"Oh God.."
-"We need a decision sir"
-"Er, argh - um - OH! I know what we could do again"
-"Sigh; sir?"
-"We could ask the public to decide again"
-"Ok sir, but this is the last time, soon we're going to have start paying them a wage"
-"Nah, they love it, makes 'em feel part of the show"
-"We can only be grateful than no one has anything better to do"
ANYWAY (ahem), the point is, a good film needs to be judged by people who watch lots of films and who know about film. Not fucking Joe Public who spends most of his time in 'Bet Fred' and wouldn't know a kebab from a...bloody...montage. Haha; surreal.
Here are my ITV Movie Award predictions, 2010:
-Action/Adventure: AVATAR [it had special effects and shit]
-Superhero: IRON MAN 2 [it had special effects and shit]
-Musical: CHIPMUNK [they'll only realise that it's not a movie afterwards]
-Comedy: HOT TUB TIME MACHINE [it has everything, a hot tub AND a time machine...no laughs though, not many of them]
-Family: ALICE IN WONDERLAND [I don't fucking know, these aren't funny, they're just terrible films that will win awards]
-Performance (Male): DAVID CAMERON
-Performance (Female): NICK CLEGG
-Special Recognition: ITV
There's genuinely a category called "Superhero". That's not a film type or a bloody genre, that's a passing fad that will be gone in less than a decade. OH, I know, why don't we have a category called "BEST TELEVISION PROGRAMME ADAPTED INTO A FILM!". Oh, because it's ridiculous, I see.
I mean for fuck sake, they called them the fucking MOVIE AWARDS. How gloriously generic, seriously, these people have the imagination of a pistachio...a utilitarian pistachio. Anyway, 2010 is it's third outting so we can expect it to have a long, cheesy life, as many of ITVs shows do - break out the production values ITV, because one day a prestigious MOVIE AWARD might be just as valuable as the Metro Manila Film Festival Awards; they're held in the Philippines! Exotic!
