You might think that this is a petty, meaningless blog, but it's not, and you're wrong. If you think that then you're exactly like those people in the past who used to go "fuck the environment, there's plenty of it left" until one day there wasn't. Well I'm not going to let that happen, I'm shooting this berk down before he can destroy my viewing environment, free as it is, of wankers.
Having established the importance of this article, the man that I direct you to is none other than Jack Whitehall.. exactly, who the fuck is he?
Well, in the last few months he has been on You Have Been Watching and just tonight (October 22nd) has hosted Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Technically he is a stand-up comedian, but only in the same way that I am a published novelist.
This article is necessary because I fear that the stupid television brains controlling anything are going to soon be injecting more of this jumped up little twit onto our screens because he is young, good looking and all squeaky-bum-market-research-appeal to the right demographic-clean.
In actual fact, he is a posh prick. He seems fresh out of uni and if he didn't take a drama course I will eat my hat because he is a classic drama student idiot. Every line he delivers is with the same posh tone emphasis at the end of the word or sentence, and everything he says is unoriginal, unimaginative and just uninspiring. I worry this is what I'd be like on television, but look, I'm not on television. Because I bet what he said used to sound pretty funny down at the student union and he thought:
"Yowser, when I get back to mummy and daddy in Kensington I'm telling them that I want to be a super duper comedy personality - perhaps I'll get a grant for being posh!"
And he did, I bet, probably. I've seen his stand-up material and it's weaker than a milky tea, and I hate milky tea baby-bel. I'm not sure where the jokes are coming from with this guy, I don't see the appeal, I've seen him on television a total of three times and it both upsets and inspires me because he is a no-talent toff with an empty clone of a personality; he should be in politics, not in comedy!
Newsflash Jack my boy, POSH doesn't equal FUNNY, ok, unless it's done ironically. Everything you say is not funny simply by virtue of your saying it, you have to think of something witty. Self-satisfaction doesn't make you a wit, trust me, I know. You dick. Get off of my television set you after dinner mint of a light-weight flop sweat "comedian".
The fact that he's on television inspires me, because it must be easy.
That's it, that's all. This was me railing against an oaf and I apologise, but seriously, the guys an arse and you'd be well advised to avoid him.
Thursday 22 October 2009
Sunday 11 October 2009
A Sarcastic Round of Applause for Richard Dawkins.
Oh well done, oh well, well done Richard Dawkins, PROFESSOR Richard Dawkins, you mighty Zeus of a man! Oh I'm sorry, Zeus is a mythological Roman God isn't he, no more credible than Christian God. Let me rephrase then lest I suffer your frightening rath in the same way religion has...er...Richard Dawkins you...mighty ape descended survivor you! Let me just say, if it is all about survival of the fittest with Richard then there's been an error in his gene pool somewhere along the line, because he seems to have been born with the kind of face that you want to repeatedly punch; huh.
Richard Dawkins, champion of atheism likes to spit in the face of God; HA, yeah, fuck you God. I'm not religious and I do consider some aspects of religion mad and laughable...you know, those evangelical American types and the antiquated naiviety that some religious folk walk around with...but I mean seriously Richard, seriously? You really want to kick the shit out of Christianity for no reason but to satisfy your own sense of self worth. Ok, let's dance baby-bel, because I'm British and I like the underdog to win.
Dawkins may seem all balls and tits, but it must be easy to draw Gods wrath under a different name than your own. He gallavants around the place, bitch-slapping religion, who hasn't done anything wrong recently, under guise of some modern day Charles Darwin; Richard, you're not Charles Darwin, and throwing his name around all the time doesn't suddenly give you some authorative clout with which to debunk something that is fundamentally spiritual in nature! Yeah alright, there's no Adam and Eve and you're truly an enlightened man to notice that, but you're saying that spirituality and a peaceful inner-psyche aren't important to the most sentient beings on the planet? Oh right, cool, brilliant.
It probably doesn't even stop at his brash theories either, I bet Richard Dawkins gets table reservations like that as well.
-"I'm sorry sir, there really aren't any tables left, I'm afraid you'll have to try another restaurant"
-"Ah...perhaps if my friend Chaaaarles Darwin was joining us this evening?"
-"OH WELL SIR, that's different, he discovered evolution and debunked that whole God thing we were all wasting our time with!"
-"I know; so we'll say, 6 o'clock?"
-"Wonderful sir, and how many is the table for"
-"I'm an ubearable bastard I'm afraid so I will, in fact, be dining alone this evening"
-"Just you and the lord eh sir?"
And so on in that manner.
Why is Richard Dawkins so eager to disprove religion? Religion has a very corrupt image that I think is left over from you know like...monarchy olden day times...and yes the religious world can be a bunch of pricks, just look at gay marriage. But I mean what is it? Intelligent people use religion intelligently and find solice in it. Some people like to drink coffee, it relaxes them. Shall we lay into them too Richard, you and me? They're not harming anyone sure, but what say you and me go down to Starbucks and start kicking over tables in the name of science eh? FUCK YOU COFFEE DRINKERS, YOU SHOULD BE DRINKING TEA BECAUSE IT'S PROVEN TO BE BETTER FOR YOU THAN COFFEE! GAAARGH! Isn't it insulting that Richard Dawkins is going on television and telling you and I that in fact, and guys, if you're reading this, keep it under your hat, but...a lot of the stuff written in the Bible...it's not true.
No, seriously, it's not. I saw it on this programme by a guy calle Richard Dawkins, he told me there was this thing called evolution and that actually thats where we all come from! Fuck me, did we really need a four or five part television series to have something so plainly fundamental explained to us? WE KNOW THANKS RICHARD, what have you got lined up for the Autumn, a whole television series explaining the dangers of drinking anti-freeze to me? Well, until that gets aired, I'm downing this next one, wheeeey! Prick.
And do you know what, FUCK YOU. I personally have about as much proof of evolution as I do for what the bible says. Whatever way you look it at it, unless you are a scientist or a priest you are getting the facts delivered through some sort of second-party medium. I don't have the fossils that show evolution, I wasn't there observing the millenia long process of leg growth and beak extension, nor was I around when God stuck together some bits and bobs and gave us all the gift of human shame. I have wikipedia, and that's it.
Another thing; it's Professor Richard Dawkins isn't it? Forgive me (please!) if I'm wrong, but aren't you guys supposed to carry out impartial tests? You know, like in fair, scientific conditions?
So reeeally, when doing a programme designed to shove all religious belief firmly in the bin, shouldn't there be a priest present as well to represent the other side of the argument? Surely he'd have a thing or two to say while you're in South Africa putting your hand against that of chimpanzees to show the similarity. Perhaps The Bishop of Canterbury could take us round some graves and show us the people who find some comfort in believing in heaven. And then they could release Dawkins from a nearby cage or something and he could find a greiving person and take a huge dump on the grave they were at; HA HA HA! Tally one to science!
Just having Richard Dawkins on that show, with all his stuffy upper-class snobbery renders the ENTIRE programme as scientific propoganda. I don't care how accurate it all is, the last person I ever want my facts from is Richard Dawkins, I'd rather have evolution explained to me on the back of a cereal box.
As I said, I'm not religious, but I am fairly...you know...moral. And essentially, as it's core, religion tries to preach good I think. And yes, in these hurly burly modern times where we (as in, other people) are making scientific breakthroughs all the time, it's hard for religion to find any real meaning. Next to an iPod, who the hell needs God; I'll take 'Keyboard Cat' thank you very much.
So just leave religion alone ok Richard? And that goes for all of you. If it's not long for this world anyway, why do something that any single one of us could have done, you pretentious toss-pot; seriously.
In conclusion, a well done and a slow, sarcastic round of applause are in line for Richard Dawkins. Let me address him directly; "You brave man you! You really lampooned religion there, what a kick in the nuts for God YOU are sir! I mean for fuck sake, why not just go and beat up some children, at least that'd be more challenging than completely laying into relgion you prick. I think I might just refuse to believe in evolution because I hate you so much". For a man so determindely stuck in science, he sure does like to preach.
Richard Dawkins, champion of atheism likes to spit in the face of God; HA, yeah, fuck you God. I'm not religious and I do consider some aspects of religion mad and laughable...you know, those evangelical American types and the antiquated naiviety that some religious folk walk around with...but I mean seriously Richard, seriously? You really want to kick the shit out of Christianity for no reason but to satisfy your own sense of self worth. Ok, let's dance baby-bel, because I'm British and I like the underdog to win.
Dawkins may seem all balls and tits, but it must be easy to draw Gods wrath under a different name than your own. He gallavants around the place, bitch-slapping religion, who hasn't done anything wrong recently, under guise of some modern day Charles Darwin; Richard, you're not Charles Darwin, and throwing his name around all the time doesn't suddenly give you some authorative clout with which to debunk something that is fundamentally spiritual in nature! Yeah alright, there's no Adam and Eve and you're truly an enlightened man to notice that, but you're saying that spirituality and a peaceful inner-psyche aren't important to the most sentient beings on the planet? Oh right, cool, brilliant.
It probably doesn't even stop at his brash theories either, I bet Richard Dawkins gets table reservations like that as well.
-"I'm sorry sir, there really aren't any tables left, I'm afraid you'll have to try another restaurant"
-"Ah...perhaps if my friend Chaaaarles Darwin was joining us this evening?"
-"OH WELL SIR, that's different, he discovered evolution and debunked that whole God thing we were all wasting our time with!"
-"I know; so we'll say, 6 o'clock?"
-"Wonderful sir, and how many is the table for"
-"I'm an ubearable bastard I'm afraid so I will, in fact, be dining alone this evening"
-"Just you and the lord eh sir?"
And so on in that manner.
Why is Richard Dawkins so eager to disprove religion? Religion has a very corrupt image that I think is left over from you know like...monarchy olden day times...and yes the religious world can be a bunch of pricks, just look at gay marriage. But I mean what is it? Intelligent people use religion intelligently and find solice in it. Some people like to drink coffee, it relaxes them. Shall we lay into them too Richard, you and me? They're not harming anyone sure, but what say you and me go down to Starbucks and start kicking over tables in the name of science eh? FUCK YOU COFFEE DRINKERS, YOU SHOULD BE DRINKING TEA BECAUSE IT'S PROVEN TO BE BETTER FOR YOU THAN COFFEE! GAAARGH! Isn't it insulting that Richard Dawkins is going on television and telling you and I that in fact, and guys, if you're reading this, keep it under your hat, but...a lot of the stuff written in the Bible...it's not true.
No, seriously, it's not. I saw it on this programme by a guy calle Richard Dawkins, he told me there was this thing called evolution and that actually thats where we all come from! Fuck me, did we really need a four or five part television series to have something so plainly fundamental explained to us? WE KNOW THANKS RICHARD, what have you got lined up for the Autumn, a whole television series explaining the dangers of drinking anti-freeze to me? Well, until that gets aired, I'm downing this next one, wheeeey! Prick.
And do you know what, FUCK YOU. I personally have about as much proof of evolution as I do for what the bible says. Whatever way you look it at it, unless you are a scientist or a priest you are getting the facts delivered through some sort of second-party medium. I don't have the fossils that show evolution, I wasn't there observing the millenia long process of leg growth and beak extension, nor was I around when God stuck together some bits and bobs and gave us all the gift of human shame. I have wikipedia, and that's it.
Another thing; it's Professor Richard Dawkins isn't it? Forgive me (please!) if I'm wrong, but aren't you guys supposed to carry out impartial tests? You know, like in fair, scientific conditions?
So reeeally, when doing a programme designed to shove all religious belief firmly in the bin, shouldn't there be a priest present as well to represent the other side of the argument? Surely he'd have a thing or two to say while you're in South Africa putting your hand against that of chimpanzees to show the similarity. Perhaps The Bishop of Canterbury could take us round some graves and show us the people who find some comfort in believing in heaven. And then they could release Dawkins from a nearby cage or something and he could find a greiving person and take a huge dump on the grave they were at; HA HA HA! Tally one to science!
Just having Richard Dawkins on that show, with all his stuffy upper-class snobbery renders the ENTIRE programme as scientific propoganda. I don't care how accurate it all is, the last person I ever want my facts from is Richard Dawkins, I'd rather have evolution explained to me on the back of a cereal box.
As I said, I'm not religious, but I am fairly...you know...moral. And essentially, as it's core, religion tries to preach good I think. And yes, in these hurly burly modern times where we (as in, other people) are making scientific breakthroughs all the time, it's hard for religion to find any real meaning. Next to an iPod, who the hell needs God; I'll take 'Keyboard Cat' thank you very much.
So just leave religion alone ok Richard? And that goes for all of you. If it's not long for this world anyway, why do something that any single one of us could have done, you pretentious toss-pot; seriously.
In conclusion, a well done and a slow, sarcastic round of applause are in line for Richard Dawkins. Let me address him directly; "You brave man you! You really lampooned religion there, what a kick in the nuts for God YOU are sir! I mean for fuck sake, why not just go and beat up some children, at least that'd be more challenging than completely laying into relgion you prick. I think I might just refuse to believe in evolution because I hate you so much". For a man so determindely stuck in science, he sure does like to preach.
Sunday 4 October 2009
Nothing Up His Sleeves.. Nothing Up His Trousers..
Much to the relief of everyone that isn't a gullible moron, Derren Brown's fantastic new show has ended. Oo the mystery. Oo the intrigue. How does he do it!?
He doesn't, case closed. Anyone can go on national television and claim to do anything, and that's all Derren Brown does. He goes on, clasps his hands together and starts trying to undress the viewing audience with his eyes, slowly charming us into a full sense of stupidity.
"TONIGHT" he declares with all the slimey pomp of a cartoon devil "I will do the impossible!" - and you're thinking, shit, how, that's like...impossible. Not if you possess the magical and psycho-suggestive powers of lying like Derren Brown does! A man who smiles sideways so much cannot be trusted. Well everyone, TONIGHT, I, CHARLES MEYRICK, WILL ANSWER A QUESTION THAT HAS PLAGUED MAN KIND SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, SINCE THEY FIRST LOOKED UP AT THE STARS ALL THOSE AEONS AGO; just WHY, do people buy into Derren Browns bullshit?
So here are the things he claimed to do:
1. How to Win the Lottery:
Derren's system was a cunning one. Oh sure, he almost had me going there for a second. Except he didn't because I'm not a total boob. His theory was that if he got some people in a room to randomly guess some numbers then they would all average out as the national lottery results. It didn't. But I was distracted by the uplifting comradery of the 'contestants', or 'players' or whatever they were, so much so that I completely forgot what Derren was trying to do, until he told me he'd done it, in which case I believed him. He must have. There was simply no other explanation. Apart from the one he offered himself. No, I'm sorry, even admitting to your lies and failure doesn't save you here Browny boy, because you just marketed a programme for weeks, on the fact that you could do it. No you can't.
I've actually got a show coming out soon where I jump over a pit of crocodiles and through rings of fire on a motorbike; you won't see it happen, but you'll see me standing by a motorbike 'afterwards' saying that I've done it, so logically, I probably have. In fact, I just did it. Just then, you missed it because I used a Darren Brown mind trick on you and it activated the gullibility gland in your brain. You may feel a stinging sensation.
2.How To Control The Nation:
Yes I will. I did. The only thing keeping people in their seats for this enlightening installment of Derren Brown was Peep Show; thank goodness we don't have to put up with that happening anymore.
3. How to be a Psychic Spy:
Oh yes, all that bollocks with the drawing! Woooo! I can't believed paid extras and members of the public could have come up with the same place like that! It's truly a feat of mind for Derren to be able communicate psychically with the whole, bloody nation! Yowser.
I noticed that the people who text in "live" were clearly pikies. The number of people who text in was very few, but put it this way. You believe you have just been psychically linked with the entire nation for a few moments - you're amazed, you're flabagasted, you've simple never been so painfully wide-eyed to all the possibilities that the world has to offer; so to express all this you send a text message into a television show that ends in "lolz". I can quite clearly tell that this person is a gormless idiot, minus any psychic powers whatsoever. Smug old Derren Brown does it again! This man has two tricks, roping in suggestive, brain-dead goonbags, and the other is convincing Channel 4 to keep allowing him on television.
Why do 'actual' psychics get so visibly debunked, yet we are quite happy to allow someone in a smarmy suit to tell us that what he's going to do before obviously failing? At least 'actual' psychics are so ridiculous that we can laugh at them, but Derren Brown just stands there, zooming around in pseudo excitement with this smug look on his face. I'd be fucking smug too if I could fool as many dullards as he does on a Friday night.
4. How to Beat the Casino:
What with the success of his previous money squandering gambit where he convinced a nation in economic turmoil to buy tens and tens of lottery tickets, this time Derren thought he'd send us all packing off to the money grabbing casinos. I mean does this guy have some deal going with wankers that like to take our money? Is he being financed by Bet360 or something? Does he get 10% everytime he sends a gullible dickhead their way?
Did Derren Brown beat the casino then? No. It went terribly and the guy lost all his money. Oh sadness. He ought to have lost his home for even going near Derren Brown, it's literally like making a deal with the devil. Say his name three times and he'll appear in your room, rub his hands together, look smug, and then fail miserably. Don't even bother giving him chores to do or anything either, because an hour later he'd tell you he was done, that the leaky tap you gave him was fine now and that he'd be on his way. Minutes later water from the tap would burst forth, and you'd realise that once again, Derren Brown had lied. He mislead you. He said he'd done something, and he hadn't done it to nearly a satisfactory level.
Ladies and gentleman, Derren Brown, is a psychic builder. I wouldn't be surprised if he came round to inspect your brain and then told you that you had a faulty Idiot Valve and that he had to fix it for thrice as much because he had to order the parts out from Channel 4's 'Moron Division'. Idiot.
So there you have it. It's all over. The arrogantly named 'EVENTS' has come to an end. And if you missed the EVENTS, watch them on 4OD, as in, 4, OH DEAR this is shit. Derren Brown for all intents and purposes is the ultimate magician. Nothing up his sleeves, nothing up his trousers and in fact little substance in the things he does anywhere at all. I crown him a King amongst tossers.
He doesn't, case closed. Anyone can go on national television and claim to do anything, and that's all Derren Brown does. He goes on, clasps his hands together and starts trying to undress the viewing audience with his eyes, slowly charming us into a full sense of stupidity.
"TONIGHT" he declares with all the slimey pomp of a cartoon devil "I will do the impossible!" - and you're thinking, shit, how, that's like...impossible. Not if you possess the magical and psycho-suggestive powers of lying like Derren Brown does! A man who smiles sideways so much cannot be trusted. Well everyone, TONIGHT, I, CHARLES MEYRICK, WILL ANSWER A QUESTION THAT HAS PLAGUED MAN KIND SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, SINCE THEY FIRST LOOKED UP AT THE STARS ALL THOSE AEONS AGO; just WHY, do people buy into Derren Browns bullshit?
So here are the things he claimed to do:
1. How to Win the Lottery:
Derren's system was a cunning one. Oh sure, he almost had me going there for a second. Except he didn't because I'm not a total boob. His theory was that if he got some people in a room to randomly guess some numbers then they would all average out as the national lottery results. It didn't. But I was distracted by the uplifting comradery of the 'contestants', or 'players' or whatever they were, so much so that I completely forgot what Derren was trying to do, until he told me he'd done it, in which case I believed him. He must have. There was simply no other explanation. Apart from the one he offered himself. No, I'm sorry, even admitting to your lies and failure doesn't save you here Browny boy, because you just marketed a programme for weeks, on the fact that you could do it. No you can't.
I've actually got a show coming out soon where I jump over a pit of crocodiles and through rings of fire on a motorbike; you won't see it happen, but you'll see me standing by a motorbike 'afterwards' saying that I've done it, so logically, I probably have. In fact, I just did it. Just then, you missed it because I used a Darren Brown mind trick on you and it activated the gullibility gland in your brain. You may feel a stinging sensation.
2.How To Control The Nation:
Yes I will. I did. The only thing keeping people in their seats for this enlightening installment of Derren Brown was Peep Show; thank goodness we don't have to put up with that happening anymore.
3. How to be a Psychic Spy:
Oh yes, all that bollocks with the drawing! Woooo! I can't believed paid extras and members of the public could have come up with the same place like that! It's truly a feat of mind for Derren to be able communicate psychically with the whole, bloody nation! Yowser.
I noticed that the people who text in "live" were clearly pikies. The number of people who text in was very few, but put it this way. You believe you have just been psychically linked with the entire nation for a few moments - you're amazed, you're flabagasted, you've simple never been so painfully wide-eyed to all the possibilities that the world has to offer; so to express all this you send a text message into a television show that ends in "lolz". I can quite clearly tell that this person is a gormless idiot, minus any psychic powers whatsoever. Smug old Derren Brown does it again! This man has two tricks, roping in suggestive, brain-dead goonbags, and the other is convincing Channel 4 to keep allowing him on television.
Why do 'actual' psychics get so visibly debunked, yet we are quite happy to allow someone in a smarmy suit to tell us that what he's going to do before obviously failing? At least 'actual' psychics are so ridiculous that we can laugh at them, but Derren Brown just stands there, zooming around in pseudo excitement with this smug look on his face. I'd be fucking smug too if I could fool as many dullards as he does on a Friday night.
4. How to Beat the Casino:
What with the success of his previous money squandering gambit where he convinced a nation in economic turmoil to buy tens and tens of lottery tickets, this time Derren thought he'd send us all packing off to the money grabbing casinos. I mean does this guy have some deal going with wankers that like to take our money? Is he being financed by Bet360 or something? Does he get 10% everytime he sends a gullible dickhead their way?
Did Derren Brown beat the casino then? No. It went terribly and the guy lost all his money. Oh sadness. He ought to have lost his home for even going near Derren Brown, it's literally like making a deal with the devil. Say his name three times and he'll appear in your room, rub his hands together, look smug, and then fail miserably. Don't even bother giving him chores to do or anything either, because an hour later he'd tell you he was done, that the leaky tap you gave him was fine now and that he'd be on his way. Minutes later water from the tap would burst forth, and you'd realise that once again, Derren Brown had lied. He mislead you. He said he'd done something, and he hadn't done it to nearly a satisfactory level.
Ladies and gentleman, Derren Brown, is a psychic builder. I wouldn't be surprised if he came round to inspect your brain and then told you that you had a faulty Idiot Valve and that he had to fix it for thrice as much because he had to order the parts out from Channel 4's 'Moron Division'. Idiot.
So there you have it. It's all over. The arrogantly named 'EVENTS' has come to an end. And if you missed the EVENTS, watch them on 4OD, as in, 4, OH DEAR this is shit. Derren Brown for all intents and purposes is the ultimate magician. Nothing up his sleeves, nothing up his trousers and in fact little substance in the things he does anywhere at all. I crown him a King amongst tossers.
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