Nothing Up His Sleeves.. Nothing Up His Trousers..

Much to the relief of everyone that isn't a gullible moron, Derren Brown's fantastic new show has ended. Oo the mystery. Oo the intrigue. How does he do it!?

He doesn't, case closed. Anyone can go on national television and claim to do anything, and that's all Derren Brown does. He goes on, clasps his hands together and starts trying to undress the viewing audience with his eyes, slowly charming us into a full sense of stupidity.

"TONIGHT" he declares with all the slimey pomp of a cartoon devil "I will do the impossible!" - and you're thinking, shit, how, that's like...impossible. Not if you possess the magical and psycho-suggestive powers of lying like Derren Brown does! A man who smiles sideways so much cannot be trusted. Well everyone, TONIGHT, I, CHARLES MEYRICK, WILL ANSWER A QUESTION THAT HAS PLAGUED MAN KIND SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, SINCE THEY FIRST LOOKED UP AT THE STARS ALL THOSE AEONS AGO; just WHY, do people buy into Derren Browns bullshit?

So here are the things he claimed to do:

1. How to Win the Lottery:
Derren's system was a cunning one. Oh sure, he almost had me going there for a second. Except he didn't because I'm not a total boob. His theory was that if he got some people in a room to randomly guess some numbers then they would all average out as the national lottery results. It didn't. But I was distracted by the uplifting comradery of the 'contestants', or 'players' or whatever they were, so much so that I completely forgot what Derren was trying to do, until he told me he'd done it, in which case I believed him. He must have. There was simply no other explanation. Apart from the one he offered himself. No, I'm sorry, even admitting to your lies and failure doesn't save you here Browny boy, because you just marketed a programme for weeks, on the fact that you could do it. No you can't.
I've actually got a show coming out soon where I jump over a pit of crocodiles and through rings of fire on a motorbike; you won't see it happen, but you'll see me standing by a motorbike 'afterwards' saying that I've done it, so logically, I probably have. In fact, I just did it. Just then, you missed it because I used a Darren Brown mind trick on you and it activated the gullibility gland in your brain. You may feel a stinging sensation.


2.How To Control The Nation:
Yes I will. I did. The only thing keeping people in their seats for this enlightening installment of Derren Brown was Peep Show; thank goodness we don't have to put up with that happening anymore.

3. How to be a Psychic Spy:
Oh yes, all that bollocks with the drawing! Woooo! I can't believed paid extras and members of the public could have come up with the same place like that! It's truly a feat of mind for Derren to be able communicate psychically with the whole, bloody nation! Yowser.
I noticed that the people who text in "live" were clearly pikies. The number of people who text in was very few, but put it this way. You believe you have just been psychically linked with the entire nation for a few moments - you're amazed, you're flabagasted, you've simple never been so painfully wide-eyed to all the possibilities that the world has to offer; so to express all this you send a text message into a television show that ends in "lolz". I can quite clearly tell that this person is a gormless idiot, minus any psychic powers whatsoever. Smug old Derren Brown does it again! This man has two tricks, roping in suggestive, brain-dead goonbags, and the other is convincing Channel 4 to keep allowing him on television.

Why do 'actual' psychics get so visibly debunked, yet we are quite happy to allow someone in a smarmy suit to tell us that what he's going to do before obviously failing? At least 'actual' psychics are so ridiculous that we can laugh at them, but Derren Brown just stands there, zooming around in pseudo excitement with this smug look on his face. I'd be fucking smug too if I could fool as many dullards as he does on a Friday night.


4. How to Beat the Casino:
What with the success of his previous money squandering gambit where he convinced a nation in economic turmoil to buy tens and tens of lottery tickets, this time Derren thought he'd send us all packing off to the money grabbing casinos. I mean does this guy have some deal going with wankers that like to take our money? Is he being financed by Bet360 or something? Does he get 10% everytime he sends a gullible dickhead their way?
Did Derren Brown beat the casino then? No. It went terribly and the guy lost all his money. Oh sadness. He ought to have lost his home for even going near Derren Brown, it's literally like making a deal with the devil. Say his name three times and he'll appear in your room, rub his hands together, look smug, and then fail miserably. Don't even bother giving him chores to do or anything either, because an hour later he'd tell you he was done, that the leaky tap you gave him was fine now and that he'd be on his way. Minutes later water from the tap would burst forth, and you'd realise that once again, Derren Brown had lied. He mislead you. He said he'd done something, and he hadn't done it to nearly a satisfactory level.

Ladies and gentleman, Derren Brown, is a psychic builder. I wouldn't be surprised if he came round to inspect your brain and then told you that you had a faulty Idiot Valve and that he had to fix it for thrice as much because he had to order the parts out from Channel 4's 'Moron Division'. Idiot.


So there you have it. It's all over. The arrogantly named 'EVENTS' has come to an end. And if you missed the EVENTS, watch them on 4OD, as in, 4, OH DEAR this is shit. Derren Brown for all intents and purposes is the ultimate magician. Nothing up his sleeves, nothing up his trousers and in fact little substance in the things he does anywhere at all. I crown him a King amongst tossers.