Adverts That Need to be Stabbed in The Eyes

Adverts today have become a big fucking load. Of what? The worst things. Shit probably. But they're just awful, they've gotten worse, louder and, yes, more insulting to us, the viewer. Thank God for the BBC - even if the show is terrible, there are no moronic adverts trying to manipulate our brains. Here is a very imporant list of the all the very worst adverts on TV at the moment:-

Confused.Com:

I always, always mute the Confused.com advert. It used to be a pretty cheap, relatively unoffensive man or woman on a white background who used to explain how confused they were about insurance. Fair enough.
Suddenly it seems that the Confused.com mascot has come to life and that the mascot was, despite its initial appearance, a woman. And...going by this hair, possibly a burn victim:



This loud-mouthed, burn victim is currently in an advert I can't bare, where she launches meaningfully into a rendition, (or should that be murder), of "Somebody To Love" by Queen. A bunch of other other big smiley wankers start appearing behind her too and I think what really pissed me off, is the song, combined with all these characters looking really fucking happy about comparing their insurance. It makes me angry. It's everything wrong with the world, where "Somebody to Love" can be used for something as shallow as sales, marketing and insurance. Go fuck yourself Confused.com.

Vodaphone Bees:

Bees don't use telephones. There, that's already a great point. So what are we to you Vodaphone? Nothing but industrious little bees working for your hive of a phone empire. Yes, we are now officially insects to all the big corporations.
Look at the posters around right now and you'll notice that the bees are always on the phone, sure, phone company, got it - but sometimes, the bees have TWO phones, because they have FOUR arms. FOUR ARMS, does not equal, TWO PHONES, you could have TEN arms and still only need ONE phone. But no, we're supposed to buy more phones.



Ok, second, and what I hate most is that the bees are always leading these aspirational lives that we're supposed to somehow relate to or be able to achieve, if only we would get on the Vodaphone network. Observe properly and you'll notice that they're always carrying bags and bags of shopping or living a a nice middle-class, sub-urban lifestyle; "I watch the match on Saturdays, because as well as being a bee, I'm a graphic desinger with disposal income!". They say that bees are dying out - no, they're just better than us now.
And all this hatred is quite apart from the FUCKING BEE PUNS WE GET IN EVERY FUCKING ADVERT...ahem...also, it's actually VodaFone. I don't care.

The Ladders:

What is it? Oh you don't know. You will have seen it but it probably washed right over you. Here's the scene. Two posh wankers are playing tennis. Then, suddenly, to the 'protagonists' horror, the great, unwashed, masses come swarming down onto the court, all shirtless and stupid. And then a smug voice comes on over the top of it all.


"If you think about...this is a lot like looking for a 50K plus job!"

NO it isn't, FUCK off. It's nothing like that, because we don't all play fucking tennis at the weekends, you rich, middle-class fuck heads. Its a well known fact that if you earn 50k, you're too busy on your iPad to even be watching tv anyway. And it's called TheLadders.co.uk - indicating upward mobility I suppose. Oh good job lads, but I think you'll find that the common ladder is also a symbol of a manual labour job - did you know that their salary comes by the hour...I know, I know, you're right, someone should start a charity. Good luck in your application anyway, cunt.

The Animated Andrex Puppy:

Who the fuck does that newly animated puppy think he is? He's not cute anymore, he's just frightening...

HOW ARE YOU HOLDING THAT THING WITHOUT THUMBS YOU FREAKISH ABOMINATION!?

...and I don't get it...it looks like they live in a human world...I mean it doesn't seem to have been designed by dogs, it looks exactly like "our world" - yet somehow, thanks to Andrex apparently, dogs have clearly become the dominant species in this universe. I always thought they'd need thumbs to do that; turns out that all they needed was quilted toilet paper.
What I hate about this one is all the things this dog does. It's too, fucking, cute - like, over the top cute that then passes the line and goes into creepy. Everything falls on his head, everything gets nudged gently into place - and his fucking bitch (haha) of a girlfriend - she's so fucking kooky, pulling faces at the puppy/school-children on her way home. The whole thing is just sickening. And I just don't get it - how does it advertise toilet paper at all!? We get this horrible Twilight Zone episode where dogs rule the planet, but where young, money rich couples with town houses are still totally aspirational and that all boils down to toilet paper?
The only way I see it working is that the advert was supposed to make me vomit everywhere and then I think, "God I wish I had some thick toilet paper to clean this up".

ALSO - animating babies or animals is symptomatic of humanities arrogance. No, shut up, it is. Right, because we think we're so fucking smart now, that we're so advanced, that we can animate things so well now, that our animations are good enough to pass close enough to being the real thing on TV...but they're not...we're not...it looks shit ok? Fuck off Andrex. What happened to that real puppy when it was put out of work by the animated one eh? That's right; it, got, shot.