The Football League Show

Gary Lineker: "But before we look at the rest of todays games, let's just get a word from Maneesh"

And so we leave the polish and professionalism of Match of the Day and are whisked off to the world of the Football League Show, not Robin to Match of the Day's Batman, but in fact Premier Inn to Match of the Day's Ritz.

First off, does anyone watch The Football League Show, at all. Are Yeovil fans and Stockport County fans dedicated enough to stay up until 2am to watch their team draw two all with Rochdale? If they are, then kudos.

When the BBC decided to make The Football League show, why didn't they use the Match of the Day template. Here's an established, veteran show, with great analysis of the game, good chemistry between the presenters and on at a good time in the evening. With such a strong example of what to do, right there in front of them, why did they go:

(a) "Yeah, yeah, I like that - but how about we do something, sort of similar, but much worse"
(b) "Well what do you mean?"
(a) "Let's see, how can I explain this? Have you ever eaten a good burger?"
(b) "Well yeah, sure"
(a) "Ok, great. Now you see this?"
(b) "Yeah, it's a burger"
(a) "Well sure, technically - it's a burger, just like the one you ate. However, closer inspection and even a taste...."
(b) "URGH; what's wrong with is?"
(a) "This, my friend, is a microwavable Rustler's burger, the shittest food known to man. Now, in it's design, the fact that it's a piece of beef inbetween two buns, sure - it's a burger. But when you actually bite into it, you find that none of those ingredients are actually there"
(b) "Thanks for this appauling burger analogy"
(a) "No problem. I have others..?"
(b) "It's fine"

Wasn't that a treat? But honestly, you can't watch Match of the Day without catching a little bit of The Football League Show. Here's what happens.

An opening with zero style, where a series of total berks do keepy ups on the street, alongside their favourite team mascots, made up of owls and lions and monsters. During this "We All Love Vindaloo" affair, a backing track plays. It has none of the agelessness of Match of the Day's classic theme tune, but sounds like drunk village band coming home from the pub after winning battle of the bands...also held in the pub. So far, this seems like the BBC is saying "Hey football league fans! Sheffield Wednesday? Pretty funny right? Haha, yeah I know. We're not taking this seriously anyway, because it's not really proper football. Well, see ya".

Once we get through the garish opening titles, we're confronted by a confused studio set that looks like Crimewatch and CNN were recently kicked out of it to make way for some uncharismatic presenters who also brought a panel of "brick wall" each with them. These are positioned awkwardly around the set so as to give the impression that the BBC ran out of money for a real wall and thought "ah, well, two metres of wall, spread out, is much better than no wall".
All this is set off nicely by needless computer screens and a breakfast bar, where the presenters sit.

The Football League Show then starts skimming through about five games at a time. Usually four games in the progamme's total are quite interesting, the rest are things like Badger Nose United vs. Chip Shop FC and have all of two people in the crowd. NO ONE, CARES. If you care, then you were probably at the game, because there are not Oxford United fans up in Liverpool lamenting the fact that they didn't get to watch the game against Swindon today.

And because they show the highlights of about five games at a time, the analysis is minimal. Steve Claridge, who...SOMEhow has managed to get on TV...has chance to give ten seconds of meangingless analysis. Manish, the Football League Shows annoying presenter who has the personality of a bookmark, asks:

"So, Steve Claridge, what did you think of Sheffield United's performance today?"
"Well Manish, Sheffield United are a football team"
"Great stuff. Now we're going to have a look at all the games in the Panda Pop 6th Division, where the powerhouse of Dover take on the titans of Bromley"

And why has The Football League Show tried to embrace new technologies. Match of the Day hasn't bothered, but The Football League Show is like someone's nan who keeps on telling everyone how they sent a text on a mobile phone once before returning it. They are constantly peddling their modes of communication; twitter, call, text, fax, carrier pigeon, morse code...this allows us to swoosh around on the unnerving FLS camera up into the rafters of the studio, or in the corner of the room, or to somewhere hidden under a box - where ever it is, it's an awkward angle and who's lurking there? A horrible, posh little wanker of a presenter who's desperately trying to sound interesting and so comes off like a Blue Peter/Newsround presenter as they announce the tweets that have just come in:

"I've got an email here from John, who says that Brighton play in blue and white stripes, but what do YOU think?"

Fuck off. I'm not interested in anyone else's idiotic opinions when I watch football highlights on TV. I'll go an internet forum for that.

The calls & texts are symptomatic of the shows whole problem. It's just so soft. The whole thing is so soft and meek and lacks conviction. Appauling presenters, a boring audience, even worse matches...the Football League Show is just a gigantic waste of time, a waste of a perfectly good graveyard slot. If you want to follow these small teams, then just get up off your arse and go to the game.